I have struggled with chronic illness for much of my life.
As an infant I experienced febrile seizures and was regaled repeatedly with the story of how I one day stopped breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital where I’d had needles stuck into my head.
The seizures subsided as I grew, but returned in middle school in the form of focal seizures or “auras”. Because I didn’t know what they were, I did not report these to a doctor (and my parents did not take them seriously). By the time I was in college I had begun having full-blown tonic clonic (“grand mal”) seizures. I was labeled an epileptic and started on medication to control the seizures. Though I have endured test after test, no physical cause – such as a brain tumor or lesion – has ever been found to explain the seizures.
I have a heart murmur. This requires me to be pre-medicated any time I go to the dentist.
During my pregnancy I gained 35 pounds and afterward simply could not lose the weight. I was constantly tired and had trouble concentrating; my brain felt like it was stuffed with cotton. After convincing my doctor that this was not simply normal post-partum fatigue, it was discovered that my thyroid had become non-functioning. I was started on medication for hypothyroidism.
Still struggling with chronic fatigue, I had two sleep studies done, but nothing was found that could explain the constant exhaustion. I insisted that I was still experiencing symptoms of hypothyroidism and was told that was impossible because I was biochemically euthyroid due to the medication I was taking. I was tested for other diseases, including diabetes. Nothing came back positive.
Two years ago I was referred to an endocrinologist. Right away it was discovered that I suffer from autoimmune thyroiditis (also known as Hashimoto’s disease). However, the treatment for this disease is to take synthetic thyroid hormone, which I had already been doing and with no abatement in symptoms. My blood tests showed that I also had very high triglycerides and LDL cholesterol, and very low HDL; I was started on the highest dose of a popular statin. I was found to be severely deficient in vitamin D and was prescribed a supplement. I was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome.
So tired I could barely function, my general practitioner prescribed a stimulant to help get me out of bed each morning. It really helps, but it is an amphetamine and is not meant to be taken long term. I have been taking it for two years.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I cannot control my weight.
I currently take four prescription medications and two supplements every day. (At one time I was taking as many as six prescriptions and four supplements simultaneously.) I have to swallow half a dozen pills each day. I have a pill minder to keep them straight. I spend thousands of dollars on medication and doctor visits every year.
I am not yet 35 years old.
Why? Why am I so sick?
It has taken a very long time, but I think I finally understand. The answer has been staring me in the face all along, but I didn’t see it because I wasn’t aware that all of my illnesses are connected. They are all caused – and exacerbated – by the same thing.
Stress.
Not typical, everyday stress, though I am so sensitized to stress that its effects are doubled. I have been stressed my entire life, probably since conception. I was raised in a toxic environment where I was frequently traumatized. Physically. Emotionally.
I didn’t understand the effects of chronic stress on development until I started to read about the research in medical journals. I didn’t know that stress alone is enough to explain my seizures. I wasn’t aware that adult survivors of childhood abuse suffer significantly more from illness, including affective disorders and autoimmune diseases. It had never before occurred to me that all of my issues, physiological and psychological, could be explained by the same thing.
Stress. Chronic stress.
It is just a hypothesis at this point. But it seems so very clear to me. This can’t be simple coincidence.
It seems such a cruel injustice that I have sought treatment over the years for so many seemingly unrelated issues – but the one that has never been treated? Of course, the one that ties them all together.
Stress.
I may finally get the help I need…
Pseudonymous 